


When I'm Gone

by naasad



Category: Sense8 (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Suicide Attempt, Post-Canon, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 21:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16940739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naasad/pseuds/naasad
Summary: It was fake. He didn't do it. But suddenly it's impacting every part of his life.ORFive times Lito didn't say what was going on, and one time he did.





	When I'm Gone

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Sense8 fic. I binged the entire series over the weekend, home sick from work. Enjoy!

“Ay!”

Lito shot up in bed, reaching out for some invisible thing.

“What is it?” Hernando grabbed him by the shoulders. “Is it the cluster? Are they safe?”

Lito took deep, ragged breaths, then rubbed his hands over his face. “I’m fine – I’m fine. We’re okay. Just a bad dream.”

Hernando rubbed his shoulders gently, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Lito shook his head, laying back down, head on his boyfriend’s chest. “I’m fine.”

“Lito, this is the third time this week.”

Lito sighed and pressed a kiss to Hernando’s chest. “Some time, not now.”

“Hey.” Hernando tilted up his chin and kissed him. “I love you.”

Lito smiled – softly, sadly – and kissed him back. “I love you, too. I just can’t talk about it yet.”

“Some time, though?” Hernando raised an eyebrow. “And if not to me, then to someone else?”

“Some time,” Lito agreed. He wrapped an arm around Hernando’s waist and held on tight.

“Is there anything I can do tonight?” Hernando asked softly.

Lito shook his head. “Just hold me. Let me be close to you.”

Hernando nodded, pressing kisses all over his face. “Always. For better or worse, hm?”

Lito smiled. “For better or worse.”

 

* * *

 

“Alright,” Dani sang, “this is the last of the boxes from the move.”

Lito and Hernando laughed and moved to help her unpack it.

“Knick-knacks,” Lito laughed, rifling through.

“Hey.” Hernando held up an award of some kind, pouting.

Lito laughed and kissed him, then froze as he unearthed the next thing.

“Oh, hey,” Hernando laughed. “My lighter.”

Lito dropped it as if it were poison.

“Hey.” Hernando reached over and grabbed his hands. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Lito shook his head. “Nothing. Just guns.”

“Liar,” Wolfgang said.

Lito glared at him.

“Who’s there?” Dani asked.

“Wolfgang.”

Hernando huffed and pushed his glasses up his nose. “Of course, Wolfgang wouldn’t understand.”

“Hey,” Lito protested, without thinking.

“Sorry.” Hernando bent down to pick up the lighter. “It just seems to me he grew up with them, desensitized to them. That’s all.”

Lito nodded, Wolfgang disappeared.

Hernando put a hand on his knee. “I can get rid of it if you like.”

Lito stared at the thing as if it would bite him, then shook his head. “No,” he said, smiling. “Keep it. It’s very you.”

Hernando laughed and kissed him. “Yes, that it is.”

 

* * *

 

Movie night was always fun – Hernando chose the film, Lito made popcorn, and Dani mixed the drinks.

“Oh, no thank you,” Lito said, shaking his head as she offered him one. “I’m trying to cut back.”

Hernando frowned and put a hand on his arm. “Everything okay?”

Lito put on an exaggerated expression of confusion and shrugged. “Yes, everything’s fine. Why?”

“Well….” Hernando stroked the inside of his elbow with his thumb. “You don’t drink much, to begin with, that’s all. Unless….” He gave him a meaningful look.

Lito laughed, shook his head, and laughed again, curling up next to his love. “No. No, it’s just….” He scanned his mind for a suitable excuse. “It’s bad for the cluster,” he finally said. “When someone drinks, we can’t feel them as well. And after Kala’s brush with death, well, we’re all a little on edge.”

Hernando clicked his tongue in sympathy and wrapped his arm around his shoulders. “I didn’t think about how that might have affected you. Is that what your nightmares are about?”

“Nightmares?” Dani asked.

Lito shook his head. “No. Those are about something else.”

Dani put a hand on his ankle and squeezed reassuringly. “We’re here for you, Lito.”

Lito sighed and took their hands, one in each. “I know, family.”

 

* * *

 

 

They hadn’t had sex in such a long time. Lito giggled as he flopped down and pressed kisses to Hernando’s nose and cheeks. “Did I fuck your brains out?” he whispered.

Hernando laughed and stretch languidly. “Maybe.” He tilted his head for slow kisses. “Dani will be back soon, we should probably get dressed.”

Lito nodded, reaching for their underwear.

“We should probably have that talk with her sooner rather than later.”

Lito hummed and passed him his clothing. “She’s been good so far.”

“Lito.” Hernando pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “I know, but I would feel much better if there were actual words said. I thought we agreed on this.”

Lito nodded slowly.

“Hey, come on.” Hernando pulled him back into bed, cradling his head against his heart. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Lito sighed. “I’m scared we might lose our best friend.”

Hernando pressed a kiss to the side of his temple. “That’s why we need to have this talk. So that we’re not just freezing her out and she’s wondering what’s next, but so that we can clearly say ‘Hey, we love you, and we want you to be in every part of our life, except what goes on in our bed is off-limits now.’ Healthy boundaries are the foundation of healthy relationships.”

“I know, I know,” Lito said, reaching up to stroke his chest. “I know. What if though, she goes back to a man like Joaquin?”

“She’s not going to, not now that she has a choice in the matter.”

“But if she did….” Lito gritted his teeth and curled his hand into a loose fist. “If she did, it would be my fault.”

“Never.” Hernando blinked in shock. “You’re scaring me, Lito. The nightmares, the guns, the drinks, and now this? What’s going on?”

Lito shrugged. “Could be one of the others’ traumatic stress coming through, I don’t know.”

Hernando pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Will it help to talk it out?”

Lito shook his head. “I don’t think so.” He sighed.

Hernando rested their heads together. “What do the voices in your head say?”

Lito glanced around the room, watching their expressions – from confusion to empathy. He was better connected to some more than others.

“You have to tell him,” Kala said.

Nomi nodded. “Whatever you do, we’re on your side. But you really should tell him. Neets and I can probably help you with Dani, by the way.”

Lito sighed. “I can’t.” He turned back to Hernando. “Nomi said she will help me talk to Dani. She and Neets will put together some sort of script like she uses for her video blog.”

Hernando nodded and kissed him. “When you can talk about it, I’ll be here.”

 

 

* * *

 

The three of them were in the bathtub in their swimsuits, laughing and talking.

“We should play a game,” Hernando said, taking off his foggy glasses.

“What kind of game?” Dani asked.

Hernando grinned. “There was this one we used to play at camp, where we go around in a circle and each say one sentence of a story. It’s fun. I’ll go first. ‘Once upon a time, there was a very handsome arts professor.’” He nudged Lito with his elbow. “Now you say something.”

Lito opened his mouth and found he couldn’t breathe.

“Lito?” Hernando looked over worriedly. “Lito!”

Will and Riley appeared on either side of him. “You’re having a panic attack,” Will said. “The important thing right now is to breathe.”

Riley nodded, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I know it feels like you can’t, like you’re dying, but you can. Deep breath in,” she breathed slowly and deeply.

“Deep breath out,” Will murmured, rubbing circles on his back. “You’re okay.”

“Baby,” Hernando was saying – pleading – cradling Lito’s face in his palms. “Baby, come on, baby, just breathe. Breathe for me, baby, come on.”

Lito took a deep breath. And another. And another.

“There we go,” Hernando murmured. “There we go, baby that’s it. That’s it, baby, breathe for me.”

Lito sobbed and fell forward, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend.

Hernando held him close, scritching his nails through his scalp. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you, baby.”

 

* * *

 

 

_Just a fake._

_Just a fake._

_Just a fake._

_It wasn’t fake._

_They all felt it._

_Hernando came back._

_He sighed._

_He walked away._

_Lito screamed._

“Hernando! Hernando, please!”

A hand on his arm brought Lito back to reality. “I’m here,” Hernando breathed, holding him close. “I’m here. Tell me what’s wrong, baby? Please?”

Lito sobbed.

Sun put a hand on his arm and looked straight into his eyes. “Tell him,” she murmured.

Lito nodded and held onto Hernando for dear life, leaning until they were both laid back on their pillows again. He trembled. “I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want to be manipulative. Not like Joaquin.”

Hernando ran a hand over his arm. “You’re nothing like Joaquin. I promise you.”

Lito took a deep breath. “I didn’t decide to go get Dani until the morning after you left – after we broke up. That night, I sat in the bathtub, I was drinking, calling your cell phone no matter how many times I only got the answering machine. I missed you so much it hurt, like someone had ripped open my chest and stolen away my heart.” He swallowed. “I took your lighter and I put the end in my mouth. I was so drunk I didn’t know it wasn’t real until I pulled the trigger.”

Hernando was quiet.

Lito closed his eyes so he didn’t have to see his lover’s face. “In my dreams, it’s not fake. And you come to get your things, and you see me, and you walk away.”

Hernando gasped and sobbed, whole body shaking.

Tears coursed down Lito’s face. “I thought I was so alone.”

“You’re not,” Hernando gasped. He took Lito’s face in his hands and pressed kisses everywhere he could reach. “You’re not alone. You have me. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Lito shook his head. “I don’t want you to only stay just because you think if you don’t, I’ll… kill myself.”

Hernando sealed their lips together. “I will only ever stay with you because I love you,” he promised, “and that doesn’t mean I won’t still call you out on your shit, but I will never leave you alone. If I leave you – and that’s a very mighty if – then it will only be for something drastic, because this man….” He shook his head in awe, stroking a finger over his cheek. “This man is the man I love. This man is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Him and the seven other people in his head, but mostly him.”

Lito laughed, wiping away his tears.

Hernando kissed him. “I love you.” He kissed him again. “I love you.” Again. “I love you.”

Lito stretched up for a fourth kiss. “I love you, too.” He pulled back a little and stared, stroking his lover’s face. “Marry me?”

Hernando’s eyes lit up and he kissed him breathless. “Yes,” he gasped. “Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please review and let me know what you think!


End file.
